Name It to Tame It

As I was researching ideas and topics related to dementing illnesses, I noted that Dr. Dan Siegel is credited for coining the phrase Name It to Tame It. As I read a little about his work, I discovered that this clever little phrase summed up the methods I’ve been providing to struggling caregivers.

Over the years, I have given numerous talks about the negative feelings that are sometimes associated with caregiving. Stress, guilt, frustration, being overwhelmed, and being socially isolated are common feelings that impact caregivers. In my talks, I ask caregivers look deeper into what they are feeling to properly identify their emotional state. In doing this, I explain, they can develop the right strategies to combat their negative emotions and feel better. In other words, name it to tame it. “I’m stressed” is a great example. I ask caregivers who say that they are stressed to see if they can dive deeper into that. Are they feeling stressed because they feel trapped? Are they stressed because they feel overwhelmed with all the tasks required of them? Do they feel angry, hopeless, or alone? Each of these emotions can manifest as stress, but there are different ways to approach them that will reduce the negative impacts these feelings may have. For example, a strategy to help someone who feels trapped or alone might be to have them join a support group or find an online community to share their experience with others and be heard. For a person overwhelmed with caregiving tasks, an intervention would be to teach them the importance of having a daily routine and identify how tasks can be delegated to family, friends, or services offered in the community. As feelings are properly identified, there are ways for the caregiver to make sense of their feelings and address them.

I recommend this simple exercise to help caregivers identify their feelings. Take a few minutes to sit and notice how you are feeling. Think about the times when your feelings and emotions impacted your day. What happened before you became angry or cried? Think about the situation that triggered those feelings, how they are affecting you and your relationships at home, at work, or with friends. Try to remember when you were short tempered or apathetic. If you can, take time to journal how you feel. When you are finished journaling let a few minutes or hours go by. Then re-read what you wrote, don’t judge yourself. Try to identify small ways that you can change what triggers your negative feelings and how you are responding to those triggers.

Consider this example journal entry: You observed that you were feeling short-tempered and guilty. You recalled that you snapped at your loved one when she started repeating the same question that you’ve answered a bunch of times. Your snapping at her made you feel guilty.

In this journal entry you have identified both your feelings, being short tempered and having guilt; and your trigger, that she repeatedly asks the same question. Your next step is to come up with a strategy to help with the trigger; your loved one being repetitious. While you cannot change her, you may be able to implement strategies such as using a white board or a piece of paper that she can hold or have beside her that has some simple answers to her most frequently asked questions. You may decide that you need to take a deep breath when you get bombarded with repetitious questions. You may discover that you have to separate yourself from her for a few moments, or find a way to distract her by changing the conversation.

Remember that you are doing your best and that is good enough. Do not judge yourself if you are not a perfect caregiver. Just keep up the good work!

Stay patient. Stay kind. Give love.